Cont'

18, May...

.... Oddly enough Joe forgave me & we are friends. What I did discover is -- that he would have been something I didn't want. He was a lot like Steve in many ways. Which is not a bad thing- just not for me.

I rememeber at one point I even watched what I entered into my journals-out of fear. I shouldn't have. This is a place where i can be brutally honest with myself. It feels good. Sometimes I think what is the point of writing in this thing. No one is going to read it. I want to be heard. I wanna scream out everything at times. I want to find a way to get my word out. Should I sing? I am too chicken shit. I choked at Kareoke (sp?) <-- Shit, how do you spell that. I am continuing guitar lessons this summer. Maybe that is my outlet. If I make it. One song I would sing would be... geez... "What's the name of the Game?"

You know what I think is sad- Looking back on Steve's online journal. I laugh because he is so BITTER! I mean really fucking bitter. At the same time, I think as I read the passages, I just want to say (and I do)- "I told you so!" I care for him, I do .... sincerely! He is so immature on his outlook of things. One thing I could never stand is what he would always say: "If it is free- I will take full advantage." He would point out what was free. Even if it ment going home to his parents house for breakfast. How tacky! It would really embarass me at times. Oh well, that is just the way God made him.

I still can't believe I showed him my album. He must think I am nuts. Well I am to an extent Whatever happens will be. I don't know why I am nervous about it. Yes.. now I am nervous just thinking about it. In someways jealousy is mixed in. There is no explaination for it- I just wanna know.
*3:05 AM*

To be continued....
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Confused? See:

A Nosedive into Reality: Part I