18, May...

I showed him my photo album. Why? We are definatly talking more on a friendly/friend Basis- I adore him. He is amazing. I want more.

I am in my new place. This would be the second night. It is rather boring... I suppose it hasn't sunken (word?), that this is MY place. I still feel restricted- odd?

I need a job. I have no regrets on walking out of Big Boy. What the fuck was that? I am worth so much more! (Pauses for a smoke).
*2:22 AM* Ok, I am back... Mmm.. *2:32 AM* It takes approx. 10 mins to smoke a cigarette. Did I actually enjoy it? (pauses) Mmm... yeah.

Good Music. The same song has been on repeat for how long? Way too long. But it defines how I feel about him and the questions I have. Obsessed? Nah, just interested, curious,..... weird. Possibly pure infatuation.

Ha, whenever I use to use the word "Infatuation"- I think of Todd. He always said, "Never underestimate the power of infatuation." Then from that it leads me to a Beenie Baby named "Bucky" and his small plastic flip-frog called "Guano". Yeah "Guano" broke in a flip accident. Todd and I jokingly (sp?) mourned, and laughed afterwards.

I feel at times I live too much in the past. But is that all bad? Of course it is good to reflect. I noticed in my bible (which I ocassioanlly flip through every now and then), one of "Life's questions" that I suppose appear- Because I just noticed it:
"Have you said anything recently that you wish you could take back? What is the most life spoken words you have spoken lately?"

As of now I would like to say that everything happens for a reason- It is fate. But sure there are things I wish never said. Such as silly lies that would never effect a situation in the first place unless told.... you know the phrase... "Pure Bull-Shit". I don't know why I use to tell them. Insecurity? Immaturity? Fear?
I remember being 17 and first confessing all the "Bull Shit" on a platter. I vowed never to do it again, and I haven't. You are yourself... so what better person to be? When I spilled the beans, it felt as if it wouldn't have mattered either way- because even the truth hurts. Ironically enought the title of this section (......"Have you said anything recently that you wish you could take back?...etc.) is called "Verbal Dynamite: Even truthful words can damage other people."

... To be Continued